Fibbing Takes an Emotional and Physical Toll—And That's No Lie

By Marty Stanley
 
As a featured columnist for Kansas City Small Business Monthly for more than three years, I have written several articles that referenced Enron and Kenneth Lay. In an eerie coincidence, I had started crafting my article for this edition prior to Lay's death and, ironically, the topic was "lying" and the emotional and physical impact that lying has on us. It seems only fitting that Ken Lay is once again, an example of what not to do.

Call it whatever you want: fibs, tall tales, bull----, CYA or "white lies," the bottom line is that when we do not tell the truth, it's still a lie, no matter what color it is.

I can't imagine there's one person reading this whose mother didn't tell him or her not to lie. But we all do. We learn at a young age exactly how to do it, oftentimes by the same people who told us not to-our parents and siblings. As adults, we refine the art of lying at work, and we learn from bosses and peers. Since we don't want to admit that we lie, we'll even lie about it.

We find all kinds of ways to justify or rationalize our position when we're put on the spot, or, even think that we may be put on the spot. Is an "excuse" a lie? Or if we don't say, "I promise," does it count if we don't keep our word or follow through? If we aren't asked the exact right question, is it OK to omit relevant information?

I'm not here to pass judgment, nor do I want to live in a glass house. The point of this inquiry is about becoming aware of our own hypocrisy and, more important, to recognize the toll that it takes on our relationships and on our own physical and mental well-being.

Many years ago, I read a book called Power Versus Force - The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D. It isn't exactly the book for your summer vacation reading, but it does have great significance. The book reveals the results of a 20-year clinical study on the impact of emotion on physical health. As part of the study, researchers were able to scientifically calibrate the degree to which human emotion can strengthen or weaken the body. They found that "shame" is the most destructive of all emotions.

According to the study, "The level of shame is perilously proximate to death, which may be chosen as conscious suicide or more subtly elected by failure to take steps to prolong life. We all have some awareness of the pain of 'losing face,' becoming discredited-a non-person. Banishment is equivalent to death."

This brings me back to Ken Lay, who lived a lie. He lied to his employees and his shareholders. And, he lied to himself. I can't help but think that behind that pompous façade, the lies and, ultimately, the shame and humiliation, slowly weakened his body, causing his fatal heart attack.

Now the good news: We can choose to tell the truth and act with integrity. And according to the study, people who trust, are optimistic, love more, find joy and empowerment, and are healthier people. Lying is just one activity that slowly erodes a person's character and self-image, breeding internal negativity and wreaking havoc with our mental and physical health.

More good news is that we can choose our emotions. We all want "control." Controlling our thoughts and emotions and the practice of directing them in a healthy way is the ultimate form of control. Only you can do this. No one else can control your thoughts and emotions for you.

With every thought, in a nanosecond, we attach an emotion that may or may not have anything to do with what just happened. For example, your boss says, "Come to my office at 4:30." Most people immediately start to panic, imagine the worst, and fear being fired. Very few imagine, "Oh boy, I'm getting a raise." For the rest of the day, people are focused on what might happen; dwelling on the negative. Negative emotions, such as blame, regret, anxiety and hate will wear you down as quickly as the shame of lying, both emotionally and physically.

So here's the coaching for the month:
What are you thinking about, and what are the emotions behind your thoughts?

How much time are you spending on negative, fearful emotions?

When you find yourself dwelling on negative emotions, stop and mentally "go to a happy place." Imagine a beach or the mountains. Stop the cycle and clear your head.

As FDR said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."

Don't let fear ruin your life.

Marty Stanley is a certified business and life coach. She works with business leaders and their teams to put the structures in place to increase personal, professional and organizational effectiveness and get results. She can be reached at (816) 822-4047 or