Do You Hear What I Hear?
Really listening to others is a powerfully positive force for them and you.

By Marty Stanley

I have to admit that I really wanted to avoid some schmaltzy holiday theme for this month’s article. Don’t we get enough of that this time of year?

But I kept hearing the words to the Christmas carol “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

So I listened, and listened. And what did I hear?

I know that as a trained coached and facilitator, I listen differently than many people. I “listen intently,” which means to listen with concentration and purpose; to listen for meaning and significance. And that’s vastly different than just hearing the words being said.

“So what?” you say. What’s the big deal about listening intently?

Consider that we are born into a world in which we expect to be listened to. As infants, people do listen to us. They listen intently to see if we are hungry. They listen to see if we are wet or if we want attention and love. And most times, the people around us respond. So from our first breath, we are trained to think that people will listen and care for us.

Somehow as we grow older, people listen less intently, and by the time we are adults it feels like “every man for himself.” Our listening is divided between cell phones, e-mails, fixing dinner, driving in traffic and general multi-tasking. Sometimes we may wonder if there really is anyone listening to us intently or with “concentration and purpose and for the meaning and significance” of our thoughts and words.

What I hear in my one-on-one coaching sessions, group settings or in general conversation is that people want to be listened to in this way. In this age of technology and hyper speed to accomplish everything, what I hear is a yearning for the intimacy of being listened to—and truly heard. That kind of connection only comes from listening intently.

Yet, there’s the underlying sense that it’s too much work to do that for other people. We think, “I don’t have time to do that with my employees, kids, spouse, partner.” But we all want it for ourselves.

Then there are the people who say, “It’s not my nature. I’m not good at that.” OK, consider that a big excuse. Parents learn to listen to their babies. And for those of us who are not parents, I’m here to tell you that listening is an art and a skill that can be learned with practice.

So here’s the coaching for the month:
I challenge you to examine what you’re really listening to and how you listen. Are you listening to the voice in your head or the words and intentions of the people who are speaking to you? Are you caught up in your own interpretation of things, or are you present to what is really being said?

Are you listening to people for their weaknesses or for their potential? I guarantee that however you listen to them, that is how they will respond to you. If you look at them like they have a big “L” on their forehead, guess what: Loser.

But who’s the real loser? My guess is that both of you lose. Those people lose because others view them with low expectations, and they may live down to those expectations. You lose because those people may have more to contribute that could make a difference, but you’ll never know.

Conversely, if you listen like they’re a “shining star,” they will be. The important thing is that you’re listening to them, and not to what or who you want them to be. Otherwise, you’ll be disappointed

Remember the first time someone really heard your dreams and aspirations and listened to you as if you were that person? That kind of listening is powerful, and being heard for your future possibilities is incredibly empowering.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Are you hearing a song high above the trees with a voice as big as the sea?

Do you see a star dancing in the night with a tail as big as a kite?

Are you looking and listening for goodness and light?